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Ahhhh, what a wonderful day. Nothing inspires you to write like a fun filled day with your family, food, and football. That’s right folks…it’s that time again. The time of the year where people gather together to celebrate something that they know nothing about in a way that makes absolutely no sense. Thanksgiving…the worst holiday of all.
If all of the holidays combined created a body of sorts, Thanksgiving would definitely be the sphincter muscle. It is the definition of stupidity, and call me an-American if you will, but it sucks. Lets see how the first Thanksgiving began. A bunch of protestants jumped on a boat at the very beginning of the fall, on course for a new home that they could settle in the name of their home country, England. But when they got there, they were surprised that there was no food sitting right on the shore for them, and that it was in fact quite cold, and no food would be produced until the next spring. What a bunch of assholes. So, they had to go and beg the natives there for some of their food so they would not starve. And the natives were kind enough to do so, hence, they were THANKFUL for the natives GIVING them food. A few years later, the settlers killed all of the natives in the area and probably ate them too.
So why not have a holiday celebrating this craptacular sequence of events. I guess it is alright to see your family once in a while. Personally, I find it quite inconvenient that I am within a 500 mile radius of my house, since my entire family has been here. I can only take the question, “how is school,” so many times. I would rather be beaten to death with the turkey carcass than to hear that question again. Also, I can only see a certain amount of people’s gluttony before I become physically ill. Annually, someone eats so much that they are forced to puke shortly after. Good job, buttpirate…no wonder your ass alone weighs as much as me. And don’t mention that you’re going on a diet after the holidays, cause we both know that it is a lie. You’re fat, and until you can’t reach your ass to wipe it anymore, you’ll keep eating yourself to death. I also do not care at all about dogs, what they can do, how smart they are (even though they don’t act it because they’re just so excited), how they hump each other’s faces, or how my dad likes to sacrafice them to whoever. Dogs are dogs, nothing more, nothing less. They are just there, they do nothing special. They eat, they poop, and they shed their fur. Maybe what my dad is really trying to do is make a yellow lab sweater. I bet it would smell awesome.
And now for football. I love football. It is one of the best things on this earth (excluding people named Nichole), and I don’t know what I would do without it. But why the fuck are the Cowboys and the Lions on every year. Who made this stupid rule that makes football fans want to cry every fourth Thursday in November. At one time, it was alright…the Cowboys were a good team and the Lions had the best running back ever, Barry Sanders. Sanders could entertain anyone for hours, making linebackers look as stupid as Paul Reiser. But now, both of the teams are pathetic. The Cowboys are a team full of drug dealers and child molesters, and the Lions are…well…they suck asscheese. The games bore me to tears, and I would rather be watching American Gladiators. Atleast the Gladiators had Siren, she was hot….wait a second…she was a man. Still better than watching the Dallas Buttboys.
Atleast if you’re going to celebrate Thanksgiving, eat a damn turkey. I’m sick of vegans trying to preach to omnivores like me that I am a sick sadistic bastard for eating the flesh of an innocent animal. Animals were put on earth by God for us to murder and eat. They serve no other purpose. Turkeys especially are a menace to society. They travel in packs and attack our children and rape our women. They should be eradicated altogether. So why should we care about how turkeys are treated? When was the last time a turkey helped you out? I don’t remember one time a turkey helped me with my homework or cleaned my room for me. And don’t forget, if they had the chance, they’d probably eat you. What the hell is a Tofurkey anyways? Just eat the flesh of living creatures and enjoy it…if not eat your Tofurkey and die from the Hershey squirts.
So I hope you all enjoyed gorging yourselves this thanksgiving. I was at the end of the table and the fat people took all the food before it got to me. So I’ll be on my way to Wendys as soon as I’m done venting to you perverted readers of this fucked up site. Have a nice holiday season, and I hope you don’t puke up cranberry on you Uncle Stew’s moccasins. PC
Liberty Bell