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I was minding my own business through life, with not a care in the world. One day I’m talking to my friend Screnzz, yes you know who I’m talking about. He says to me “if you ever feel the need to rant about something, feel free.” So, here is my rant.
I’m a simple man folks, with simple pleasures. I like my video games. So what’s the problem, you say? I’ll tell you what the problem is. I also like my money, and I’m sick and tired of wasting it paying for mediocre video games that cost as much as a liver transplant. I tired of game makers peddling worthless wares that cost a fortune. I’m tired of the “realistic graphics” and “CG cinema scenes.” What a worthless load of crap. Not only does the game play suck ass, but so does the music. Granted, some games now have some quality sound effects, but do you love the songs? I don’t know who wrote the Mario Brothers songs, but when I’m walking down the street in Boston and I hear some homeless guy playing that song on a set of drums, you’re damn right that I recognize. I know it, and he knows it. And you’re damn right that that bum is gonna get some of my money.
I’ll admit, I’ve spent many a dollar in my day on video game systems. When I go to buy a playstation game, I am faced with a price stiffer than I, myself, get whenever your mom is around. 50 clams for a piece of crap plastic disc? Worthless. The game companies had me fooled for a while. I thought that it was completely worth every penny I spent. Until a recent realization came to my attention. New video games BLOW MY ASS! My friends and I, with 4 video games systems at our disposal, chose to play not the Gamecube, not the Playstation 2, not the Nintendo 64, but…the old school Nintendo. What these games lack in graphics they make up for in innovation and…holy shit! FUN!
I would like to remind you of a few of the better games. Who hasn’t spent hours of his life playing the one and only TECMO SUPER BOWL! NFL 2K3 and Blitz have a little learning to do. They can keep their 3-D players and high-flying taunts. Clearly, the farther back you run from the line of scrimmage, the farther downfield your quarterback can throw. I don’t care about your fancy ‘game physics.’ Loser. This next game may not be a fond memory for you. If this is true, you are a weak pussy. Two words. TOP GUN! Games today are easier to beat than your mom. If you couldn’t land on the carrier or refuel midair, fine. It was difficult. If you were one of those little bitches who cried and whined and threw his controller on the ground. I don’t want to be your friend. I don’t even want to know you. I want you punch you in the face. Games are supposed to be challenging. Speaking of challenges, and punches, who doesn’t love MIKE TYSON’S PUNCH-OUT! This game defined what fun was for a generation of children. Also, if you can beat Tyson, I want to shake your hand. This guy was friggin invincible. He is the paragon of what a boss of a game should be. None of this crap today where you are so supped-up by the time you get to the boss that you are godlike in your power. You are the same Little Mac that you started as. You aren’t better because you have more life and power; you are better because you are untouchable at this game. Tyson will knock you down in one hit. You must hit him dozens of times. Plus he is the best blocker and fastest boxer in the whole game. When you get a game today, it’s a matter of when you beat it. When you play a Nintendo game, it’s an accomplishment. So, if you want to waste your 50 bucks on some new piece of crap, go ahead. Just think, though. You could get a Nintendo, two controllers, and approximately 30 legendary games. If you don’t agree with me…up yours.
-Biznalls