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Like most masochists, I am a Red Sox fan. For as long as I can remember, I have watched way too many genital-numbing baseball games every single year, only to have my heart ripped out of my chest and crapped on. Until last year when the unthinkable occurred...the Red Sox won the World Series. The only way to top off last year would be to repeat, but one man stood in the way of that...mark bellhorn.
When the "great" Theo Epstein signed bellhorn before the 2004 seasons, I figured he would be cut in training camp. After all, this is the guy whose strike-out total is typically higher than his batting average. bellhorn (aka The Flaming Sack of Cocks) is the worst player to ever make the majors. His sexual favors may have won him a World Series ring, but not the respect of anyone who has more than six braincells. The following is a "scouting report" (provided by ESPN) of bellhorn and his amazing baseball talents:
"2004 Season
Projected to fill a utility role for the Red Sox, Mark Bellhorn became a regular early on due to injuries, and he held on to the second-base job after the club got healthy. He showed a knack for the clutch hit, highlighted by three big postseason home runs.
Hitting, Baserunning & Defense
Bellhorn is a Moneyball player taken to an illogical extreme. His career on-base percentage is more than 100 points higher than his batting average. Nearly half of his 2004 plate appearances produced a strikeout, walk or home run. The lack of contact makes him an unorthodox No. 2 hitter, but that's where manager Terry Francona used him most often. Bellhorn succeeds at hitting fastballs on the outer part of the plate. Curves give him trouble. He is an average fielder and often gets replaced late in games. He has decent speed.
2005 Outlook
Francona stuck with Bellhorn amidst an early postseason slump and a media clamor for Pokey Reese. While Bellhorn's offense earned him a starting role, he will need to maintain his batting average near his 2004 mark. If Bellhorn doesn't, the Red Sox may turn to another candidate who provides better defense up the middle."
and now with my revisions...
2004 Season
Projected to fill a utility role for the Red Sox in a situation slightly better than the apocalypse , mark bellhorn became a regular early on due to his injuring of other players, along with the incessant bleeding of Nomar Garciaparra's vagina. He held on to the second-base job after the club got healthy because he provided an invaluable (oral) service for Francona on those long road trips. He showed a knack for selling his soul to satan, highlighted by three big postseason home runs.
Hitting, Baserunning & Defense
bellhorn is a Moneyball player taken to an illogical extreme. His career on-base percentage is more than 100 points higher than his batting average as a result of his typical at bat consisting of the following: Praying for a walk before he watches two strikes go by, followed by rubbing his hands in his greasy mullet, gripping the bat as tightly as possible, closing his eyes and swinging the bat as hard as he can through the same exact area over the plate. Nearly half of his 2004 plate appearances produced a strikeout, double play, walk or home run. The lack of contact makes him the worst No. 2 hitter in baseball history, but that's where manager Terry Francona used him most often because he forgot that the number "2" existed. bellhorn succeeds at hitting 80mph fastballs that coincidentally get in the way of his bat. Curves, sliders, slurves, change-ups, circle change-ups, 81mph+ fastballs, 2-seam fastballs, cutters, sinkers, splitters, forkballs, knuckeballs, knuckcurves, screwballs and slow underhand tosses give him trouble. He is a train wreck of a fielder and often gets replaced late in games due to the cork in his glove and his complete lack of range that he tries to compensate for by playing in shallow right field. He has decent speed due to his hair which cuts down on the wind resistance. He rarely gets to show it off, however, since he is frequently picked off second base while plucking Terry's pubes out of his teeth.
2005 Outlook
Francona stuck with bellhorn amidst an early postseason slump and a media clamor for Pokey Reese, since the manager hates black people.. While bellhorn's supple lips and warm hands earned him a starting role, he will need to maintain his batting average near his 2004 mark. If Bellhorn doesn't, the Red Sox may turn to another candidate who provides better defense up the middle, such as a corpse.
Not only does bellhorn create a huge hole in the batting order and infield, he also hurts the people around him. TFSoC convinced the "great" Theo Epstein to sign Matt "I'm supposed to throw the ball OVER home plate?" Clement, Edgar "Cindy Lou Who" Renteria and David "Can I please eat Edgar Renteria?" Wells for a grand total of 29 million dollars for last season alone. He also scissor kicked Curt Schilling in the ankle, hobbled Keith Foulke, and dry humped Trot Nixon's back out of place. It wasn't until Francona complained of a scorching case of herpes that he was finally placed on waivers, a year and a half too late.
The one chance he had of almost redeeming himself came when none other than the New York Yankees signed him. I thought for sure that this would be the year that the Red Sox won the division because of this move. But, Joe Torre showed why he is the best manager in baseball and never played "The Hot Chick." He also made him cut off his greasy rats nest. Once again, he is a free agent and I hope to never see him in a Major League uniform again, he is a disgrace to the greatest game ever invented. Only assbag girls will miss him.
***Insert clever name here***