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I apologize for the fact that I have not been keeping this site up to date, but a lot of things have been going on in my life, such as sleeping a lot and convincing myself that its okay to desire to skullfuck someone to death. That being said…on with the column!!!
Another semester has passed in my college career, and I am still fully convinced that I have learned nothing other than how to be excessively bitter. In between sessions of sleeping through all of my classes, I grew to hate a woman whose name I do not know, and since I don’t know her real name, I’ll just assume it was Stupid McSnatchface. Ms. McSnatchface was in two of my upper-level biology classes, and she is the most annoying person I have ever met inside of a classroom. Everything that she did made me want to jab my lucky note-taking pen through her tongue and pin it into her desk. She is the one person in every class that annoys the crap out of everyone, including the professors themselves. She is the exact definition of the person that no one wants to have within 50 miles of themselves. Here are just a few examples of why she should be hit by a snowplow…
Ms. McSnatchface came into class everyday a minute or two late, and just had to make her presence known. She walked in with her loud ass clunky boots and her backpack that was the size of a Kia making as much noise as humanly possible. And of course she could not sit in the back of the classroom, she had to have a seat as close to the professor as possible. And since she was a slightly fat woman of about 45 years, she had to groan everytime she sat down, just to let everyone know how much of a strain it was to make it to class just a little late carrying her stupid backpack. Sitting down was not the end of the noise…oh no. She had to then open up her Velcro Trapper Keeper (oh yes, a Trapper Keeper), rip out pages of paper, and then get out her pencil box filled with colored pencils, highlighters, and the one damn pen that she just had to have to take her notes with. This was just the first few minutes of every class.
As soon as she got her bulbous ass settled into the plastic seat, her stupidity really rang clearly. She had to write down every word that the professors said, no matter how many times they said that it was not necessary to do so. If she could not keep up with the professor’s words, than she had to interrupt him as loudly as possible asking what he just said. This was not the worst part. If the professor said anything that might be the slightest bit funny, she laughed insanely while snorting, followed by a round of applause for the professor’s awesome joke. Then she looked around and slowly stopped laughing as she realized that everyone was looking at her as if she were retarded…yet it never deterred her from continuing to do this. By the middle of the class, she always had to run to the bathroom, and every time she did so she stormed down the isle like a pissed of rhino, running into everyone’s desk and knocking notebooks and papers everywhere. And every time she did this, I stuck my backpack into the isle hoping that she would fall on it, break her leg and withdraw for the semester. This never worked, so instead I just hoped that an alligator would crawl up from the toilet when she was doing whatever and would bite her vagina off.
Usually once or twice during a class period, the professor could not think of a word, or the location of a certain river or lake etc, so she felt it was her duty to guess (horribly at that) the location over and over again. Here is a simulated session of her random guessing…
Professor-“Lake…ahh I forgot the name…it’s in the Southwest part of the state, it’s not important, anyways…”But of course she would guess at least two or three more places before she realized that she should die. Hopefully over the semester break she realized that she is not capable of being a part of society and she closed herself into a cave to live off of muddy water and bat feces. Or just shot herself.
Stupid Whore-“Staffordville?”
Prof-“no, I said Southwest”
Whore-“ohhh it has to be Bolton Lake then”
Prof-“NO! Wrong part of the state! Stop it now!”Bellgrade