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1. Coors Light It’s a Friday night. You’ve had a hard week of studying at school, playing some xtreme sports, and probably date raping a few girls. What could be better than to get a 30 pack of The Silver Bullet and go to a party. But this is no ordinary party…it’s a party where you, the stupid looking asshole guy can be surrounded by rock bands, incredibly hot girls that outnumber guys by 10-1, and football games going on in every direction. With these odds, you won’t even have to drug a girl’s beer to get some ass. This does not happen. If you look like Shaggy from Scooby Doo and somehow find a party with only hot girls and no other guys, you’re probably going to get ignored, no matter how much Coors Light you drink. But maybe if you drink enough, you’ll pass out and they will touch you…by dragging your ass outside so a cat can shit on your head. You might as well just stay home, get drunk in your room, and pleasure yourself while looking at ebony smut pics.
2. Honda Element ArE YOOOO XtRemE!!! DO YOU LikE SNO-BoaRding WhiLE MaCHO MaN RanDy SavAGe ScREEEeeeEMS hIS neW RAP AlbuM in UR EaRS!!! If so, maybe the Honda Element is the vehicle for you. Jerk. I have no idea what the designers of the vehicle were thinking when they made this. Alright, so the entire thing can be flushed out with a fire hose if it gets dirty. This will more than likely be more convenient for when your best friend Chet ralphs all over the place after drinking to much Natty Light at the kegger, not from your 3 week camping trip and the dirt and blood that it produced from single-handedly decapitating a pack of jackals. But even if it does have the amazing feature of smelling like a giant tire on the inside, what the fuck is with the exterior design. I guess its cool to have a car that looks like a tissue box with random chunks of plastic stuck all over it. Maybe if they marketed it as a Turtle Van knock-off, it would appeal to my generation a little more, especially if it came with a cardboard cutout of the lovely April O’Neil. It also has the modest color scheme of that awesome car that was in an accident and has 5 different color body panels acquired from different junkyards. If you want to market to ANY audience, make a car that doesn’t make babies cry when it drives by.
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3. Fanta Soda Ahhh the age old solution for selling a product to a younger audience…whores. The people of Fanta must have been thinking, “maybe if we create a fake all girl pop band called Fantanas and make them dress like sluts, people will buy our terrible soda.” Here’s an idea, make a soda that doesn’t suck. I don’t care how hot the girls are in the commercial, I am not going to buy your drink. I am more than content drinking motor oil and dog gruel, since that is all there is to drink in my house right now. And besides, if sex appeal is your solution to marketing, why not take it a little further? Show how the girls can have some fun with a bottle of Fanta, some KY jelly, and a potato cannon. Then at least when middle aged Trekies are jerking off to your commercials, you’ll make it a little more enjoyable for them. I’m spent.
Belldor
