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Alright butt pirates, it’s been a while so lets hope for the best…This Millennium sucks with a vengeance. The reason for this extreme state of suckdom isn’t so much that it has been filled with wars and violence so far, or that people are still starving all over the world as well as dying from rickets, but that all of my expectations have been let down. I look around and everything I see is so last millennium.
Since I was a kid, I’ve been watching television shows and movies showing what the world would be like in the new millennium. Everyone was all happy and healthy, flying cars were plentiful, and the only wars that we fought were with bug-like creatures that spit acid. Instead, I’m dying from inhalation of plant splooge (allergies if you’re really that dense), my car won’t even idol correctly, let alone fly, and the only bug like creatures that we are fighting are the ones that we catch from that dirty person that we though wasn’t so dirty while drunk at the bar the other night. This all amounts to a very sad Bell. Where the hell is my flying car!!! Honda makes vehicles that look like flying saucers now, why can’t they just add the whole flying part! I really don’t think much more technology is needed to do this. Then again, it’ll probably pollute the earth or something asstastic like that.
Then again, if we had our flying cars, why would it be impossible to have intergalactic buses? We wouldn’t have to worry about polluting the earth because we could just move to a better planet and use this planet as a giant New Jersey. And really, who the hell needs New Jersey besides New York City for the purposes of garbage and tire burning. And if we lived on other planets, I’m sure that there would be cool and even sezzy alien folk on those planets. I have yet to see a hot alien chick like the one on “Total Recall” with 3 boobs. I mean, I’ve seen someone with 3 nipples, but that just doesn’t impress me anymore. I want pointy ears or a nice bluish hue to my alien woman’s skin. I’m tired of spray-painting the faces of my girlfriends when they’re not looking. That tends to get me a broken nose and loneliness. They especially don’t like it when I try and give them a forked tongue using a stencil and a steak knife.
But perhaps the thing that pisses me off the most about this millennium is the complete lack or ray guns. Where the hell is my freaking ray gun! When those damn things finally come out, I’m going to be the first one in the line at the Wal-Mart gun department to pick one up, barring my conviction of beating Jorge Posada to death with a pepperoni stick doesn’t stand in my way. And will I have fun with that beast! First thing I would do is to carry through the deed that should have been done well before this century began…vaporize Cher. Her records have tormented our society for too long. Her reign as the most popular, singing (if you call it that) albino ant will be over. The next thing I’d do with it is shoot every living thing in my yard. They’ll all pay for living in my engine! This may include two retarded yellow labs or even a parent or two. Who knows, my dad might be able to fold into a tiny little ball, live in a nest made of fur, grass, and squirrel poop, and thrive off of acorns and rain water.
Yeah, this millennium certainly sucks more than Hoopy on Nate. Screw the Jetsons, Starship Troopers, and Alien for giving me such high hopes. I guess I’ll be a ground dweller for a little while longer. All I can say is thank God it's nothing like "The Willennium."
Mr. BELLvedere