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Ok... I’ve been thinking. Maybe because its 4 am and everybody else in their sane mind is asleep while I’m awake listening to Mudvayne in the dark, but I was just thinking about some of the more horrible aspects of elementary school. Don’t get me wrong, as a whole elementary school was a care free orgy of dodge-ball and paste, but there are some really horrible aspects of this time that I would like to address.
Some of you may or may not have had the horrible experience of having to partake in the weekly ritual of swish and spit, but if you haven’t ill enlighten you. The teacher would avoid this subject all class until the very end when he or she would say, “OK kids come line up.” Those simple words would make me dry heave in anticipation of what was about to happen. Everyone would go up and get into a line and be given a cup of gruel. This reminds me a lot of WW2 Germanic concentration camps. Everyone would then have to peel the foil off of the little cup and on the count of three you put it in your mouth and start to swish. The taste of this chum reminded me of somewhere between a puke burp and one of those pine air fresheners. After that, came one of the cruelest punishments that can be put onto any human being EVER. The teacher would pick one poor soul to collect the cups. Mind you 30+ dirty disease stricken little 8 year olds just regurgitated this fluoridic torture juice back into this tiny cup. The aim of an 8 year old isn’t too swell if you don’t remember, so most of the cups were dripping the spit of the child who just swished and spat. How can they make some innocent boy or girl collect those for god’s sake? If rats using wheat as a bathroom caused the plague in Europe, I’m shocked that there has not been a second swish induced plague in this country.
Usually right after the swish and spit the teachers attempted to appease the newly angered mob with a snack time. As a whole snack time was quite good, as long as I could bring my own snack which consisted of some kind of animal fat broiled fruit pie and a little carton of diabetes that they like to call a juice box. Then there was once a month when the teacher would tell you that he or she was bringing the snack the next day, so you can’t. Inevitably you knew what was coming, and it was that horrible metaphor of a food known as ants on a log. Now If you’re not familiar with this “SNACK” it consists of a piece of celery (this stem does not belong in soup never mind in a snack), raisons (how do you ruin a perfectly good grape? Suck all the juice out of it that’s how), and peanut butter (no complaints here). Can you think of one way to make celery and raisons worse? I sure can, you combine them with an incredibly strong natural food adhesive. No matter how hard you try, it will take you at least 15 minutes to get all the celery and raisons out of your mouth. This sends your taste buds through a torturous hell that can only be compared to watching an entire episode of Will and Grace.
Well that’s all I can find wrong with elementary school. Don’t really know why I wrote about it cause it doesn’t really bother me… strapped for material at this time.. more will come.
McScrenzwich